McKenzie Free

One woman's quest for greater understanding through freedom of self expression.

Archive for the tag “dysfunction”

61

There is a gaping hole inside of me

Which nightly I try to fill up

With mounds and mounds of food

And sometimes sex with inappropriate men who like fat girls

It is a gaping hole which by now is the size of a basketball

A small hole that was ripped larger and larger by

my alcoholic father and crazy brother

Made bigger with each failed marriage

That grew to make room for the babies I could never have

And is currently being fed by fear of the spot on my liver

Fear of joining my cancer-ridden siblings in death

At night I feed it with pound cake and chips and red wine

During the day I feed it with professionalism

as I try to do one thing in life well

and sometimes with screaming unprofessionalism

as I fail to succeed in a dysfunctional workplace

At times, like this morning, when I am too exhausted to

stand up straight and carry on in the morning light

At times like this when I stop for a moment and sit very still

Alone with my thoughts

I simply sob until I have no more tears

And then I get up and get on with my day

Wondering if I will ever be able to heal this gaping hole

Or if it’s too late for a full recovery

perhaps just something to shore it up and keep it from engulfing me.

Disc Function Nightmare

I lay on my back writing this the proud owner of not one, but three, herniated discs.  I’ve always been an overachiever but this is really taking it too far.  The pain has been incredible but I will meet with the surgeon today and I know that it can be fixed, I will heal, and before you know it I’ll be wearing high heels and dancing again.

Work is another story.  Work has become a waking nightmare.  My work days have become a hell which I would run from if I could but the responsibilities of bills and mortgage payments will not allow me to be free.  It’s not the work I don’t like, but those I have to work with.  I’ve been working for over 30 years and there are always a few people in every office that make life difficult for everyone around them.  There are always a few who have been promoted beyond their level of competence.  At Dysfunction Junction, however, incompetent, dysfunctional and flat-out crazy are not exceptions but the rule.  The more dysfunctional you are, the longer we keep you.

Can’t work more than four days in a row without calling in sick?  Welcome aboard.  Have to take medication to get through the day?  We need you.  Caught drinking at work more than once?  Please contact us immediately.  Don’t know the law or best practice around your supposed area of expertise?  We have a job for you.

It has gotten to the point that I would rather have severe back pain and be unable to bend over or go about my normal routine than be healthy and have to go in to the office.  At least I know my back pain can be cured.  There is no knife sharp enough to cut the disease out of this organization.

I’m trying to think of a way to keep the work and the paycheck but get out of social interactions with others.  My first thought is perhaps I can develop a phobia to sunlight where I can only leave the house after the sun has gone down.  Would they have to ADA accommodate me so I could work nights when no one else is there?  Hmmm…….

Please send me any and all ideas!

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