Happy Valentine’s Day!

I’ve disliked Valentine’s Day my entire life. It just seems like the perfect a set up for disappointment. And then, my younger brother, James, died on Valentine’s Day two weeks shy of his fortieth birthday. I always thought it was very fitting. Not his death, of course, but that he chose the 14^th of February to die, because my brother loved women and they loved him. He had a lot of Valentines.

He was a good-looking man, sure, and I think he was witty and charming, as well.  But I don’t believe that’s what drew women to him. I believe it was the fact that he understood what women really want and he provided it. That’s a rare quality in men and it’s simple really. Most of us just want to be seen and heard, loved for more than our looks and to feel that what we think actually matters.

There were so many women at his funeral. Women from work, women from the jazz club, women who remembered him from high school and still held a torch. Among them were the estranged wife, the woman he was dating at the time of his death, the older woman who loved him but refused to date him, and then there was the woman he truly loved. The place was filled with attractive, smart women who shared a loss.

Most men have a hard time with smart women. My brother adored them. Maybe it’s because he grew up with a single parent Mom and four older sisters or, maybe he arrived fully formed with the personality he was meant to have. I don’t know. I only know that I still miss him. He’s been gone over twenty years now, but I still talk to him when I need someone who will really listen. And, as always, he never interrupts or talks over me.

James and I shared a love of the blues, late night gin rummy games, hot buttered popcorn, and a love of writing. And now we share a name.

Below is something he wrote that we shared at his funeral.

Jim’s Good-bye (from “A Valentine Letter to Emmy”)

       I must go. But before I do, I must say, I surely think of you, and more often than you will probably ever be in a position to know. But I am convinced, we were brought together for some reason. Surely there is much we can give each other, no matter in what context. I treasure all you are and wish you all the best. I’ll try to find some innocent way to let you know that you are cherished when the fourteenth rolls around.

Let’s all try and show those we love that they’re cherished today!