Rinse and Repeat – or Renew?

I have been struggling for a while now wondering what to do with the time I have left on the planet.   It seems that as I was aging my world had been shrinking until one day I awoke to realize I had very few close friends and a surprisingly empty social calendar. If I didn’t continue to work, I wondered, how would I fill my days? This is a question I never had to ask when I was younger as my life naturally kept unfolding before me. But it’s more challenging at this age especially because I have no partner in life, no children and, as naturally follows, no grandchildren to enjoy.

If I died today I’ve already lived a full life: traveled and seen other parts of the world; lived in different cities; had more than one career; did a small part to help raise a couple of beautiful humans; seen an amazing amount of incredible theatre, dance and other forms of entertainment; shopped until it (almost) isn’t fun anymore; had a great love; and had a shocking amount of magnificent sex. I’m certain the list could go on endlessly. After all, although I hate to admit it, I’m pretty darn old. So, am I done?

Most days now I spend 8-9 hours at work, leave exhausted, feed the dog, feed me, and stream some Netflix. On the weekends I clean the house, do my laundry, and wonder how to fill the hours without work. Am I supposed to simply continue to rinse and repeat that for the next 20 years? It seems relatively meaningless. Being who I am I’ve asked many people about it, from my therapist to close friends to complete strangers and the answers have been interesting in their diversity.

Some people pretend they didn’t even hear the question. I think it may seem too mystical for them. It’s too much like ruminating on the meaning of life. Others tell me they wonder about the same thing.   Many feel that they know exactly what they would do, if only they had the money in their old age to do it, but sadly, they do not.

At brunch one Sunday the women in my high school group recommended I “stay busy”. Never having been one for just doing something for the purpose of looking or keeping busy that suggestion didn’t particularly resonate with me.   How would it look on my tombstone? “She kept herself busy.”   Still, remembering how much I used to enjoy sewing, I began a fabric project for the holidays. Everyone on my list will get homemade gifts this year and I am keeping busy.   Still, once the project is completed I can’t just keep sewing things for no purpose. Can I? I had a fleeting moment where I envisioned myself crocheting unwanted afghans for everyone connected to me by blood, marriage, living arrangements or having been unfortunate enough to friend me on Facebook. (Send me your color scheme requests.)

To be honest I never really believed I’d find the answer so when it came it was completely unexpected. I was chatting with my physical therapist while he manually manipulated my body with traction and he said, “I think the key is to remain curious”.   Bingo! That not only resonated it made fireworks go off in my head. My life had become smaller because I had lost my interest in life. My curiosity about life, the thing that had always moved me the most, kept me interested, and often got me in trouble — the need to question, investigate and understand life and the people we enjoy it with – was the reason I began to write in the first place.

Since we had this conversation, the universe has opened up again. I have found fascinating articles to read in magazines I don’t usually pick up, I have had stimulating conversations with people I might simply have walked past, I’ve seen advertisements for things and places I want to experience all of which have led me to more reading and more conversations and more research and to write my first blog post in over a year. Remarkably, I think I may be getting my groove back just in time to begin a new year!

Disc Function Nightmare

I lay on my back writing this the proud owner of not one, but three, herniated discs.  I’ve always been an overachiever but this is really taking it too far.  The pain has been incredible but I will meet with the surgeon today and I know that it can be fixed, I will heal, and before you know it I’ll be wearing high heels and dancing again.

Work is another story.  Work has become a waking nightmare.  My work days have become a hell which I would run from if I could but the responsibilities of bills and mortgage payments will not allow me to be free.  It’s not the work I don’t like, but those I have to work with.  I’ve been working for over 30 years and there are always a few people in every office that make life difficult for everyone around them.  There are always a few who have been promoted beyond their level of competence.  At Dysfunction Junction, however, incompetent, dysfunctional and flat-out crazy are not exceptions but the rule.  The more dysfunctional you are, the longer we keep you.

Can’t work more than four days in a row without calling in sick?  Welcome aboard.  Have to take medication to get through the day?  We need you.  Caught drinking at work more than once?  Please contact us immediately.  Don’t know the law or best practice around your supposed area of expertise?  We have a job for you.

It has gotten to the point that I would rather have severe back pain and be unable to bend over or go about my normal routine than be healthy and have to go in to the office.  At least I know my back pain can be cured.  There is no knife sharp enough to cut the disease out of this organization.

I’m trying to think of a way to keep the work and the paycheck but get out of social interactions with others.  My first thought is perhaps I can develop a phobia to sunlight where I can only leave the house after the sun has gone down.  Would they have to ADA accommodate me so I could work nights when no one else is there?  Hmmm…….

Please send me any and all ideas!